My biggest challenge is being myself. Sounds dramatic as hell but it is true. I want to be all these things, I want to be good at everything, I want to be smart and sweet and kind, beautiful, eloquent, successful, rich but not too rich. I want to be a person who reads more but maybe that is just because I think I should want that, but do I actually want-want it myself? I don’t know. I just don’t know what’s genuinely me and what’s just me trying to fit some idea of who I think I should be.
I see someone doing something and I end up trying to emulate it, doing the same because they look happy doing it and somehow that makes me think that I would be happy doing the same, but I never end up being happy. I feel like I’m always chasing this version of happiness that belongs to someone else. I watch them and think, if I just do what they do, if I just become more like them, then maybe I’ll finally feel content. But I am slowly beginning to learn that it doesn’t work that way.
I’d love to be able to say I am a perfectionist, it’s such an easy cop out. “I can’t stick to anything because I am a perfectionist” but I don’t really think that’s true for me. Perfectionists at least know what they want to perfect, right? They have a vision, even if it’s unreachable. I think the issue is more that I have gotten so fucking confused with everything I want to be that I no longer know what I really want, so my heart isn’t in it 100% most of the time. So I’m not failing because my standards are too high but I’m failing because I don’t even know what I’m aiming for anymore. I’ve collected all these ideas of who I could be, who I should be, and now I’m just standing here holding all of them, unable to figure out which ones are actually mine and which ones I’ve stolen from someone else.
Hey Dinz 
Leave a comment